How To Be Girlfailure: Tips From An Expert
A listicle.
Urban Dictionary defines “girlfailure” as “A term that describes a girl who is so pathetic, it becomes endearing. This term is always used in a positive way.” I believe girlfailure is more. It’s like a religion. Now, I’m not comparing my Substack to the Bible, but I’m not not doing that either. Anyways, here it is: How To Be Girlfailure…
Don’t live up to your potential.
Were you a “gifted child”? Did you read at a college level in 5th grade? That’s a wonderful start. Next, you must decide to pursue an artistic non-career, and let it drain you of all happiness it once provided.
Start many creative projects and finish absolutely none of them. Music? Drawing? Writing? Who has the time or follow through…
Become incessantly bored in college, almost drop out several times a semester, but instead decide to change your major for the third or fourth time. “That’ll fix it”, you think, but you know it won’t. You’ll be engaged academically for a few weeks and then you’ll give up again. Way to go, you!!
Spend a lot of time trying to “find yourself” through fictional characters.
So Lady Bird did a number on you in your teens, but now you’re a twentysomething. Don’t worry, you’ll still only relate to A24 teenage characters, but now your old favorite films only fill you with deep, deep regret. And longing. Sooo much longing. Let it keep you up at night.
Now, you may begin to find yourself thinking. If this happens, stop what you are doing and journal to nobody about it. If you do journal, make sure you lie in every entry. Lie about everything. Romanticizing your life and Pinterest are your new best friends. Embrace it babe.
Finally, do not develop the necessary life skills to be a “functioning adult.”
Don’t cook. Spend all your money on little treats: Gin, carts, espresso drinks from hip cafes, and 5/10 overpriced sushi and rice bowls. You’re not perfect, but this way you fully commit by setting yourself up for failure. It’s very commendable.
You already have a disgusting room, so that goes without explanation, but I’ll do it anyway. The more dirty dishes on your dresser, the more pimple patches fused to the ground, and the more piles of trash next to piles upon piles of clothes, the better.
Other tips:
Develop a shopping addiction. Credit card debt is in.
Let your social anxiety win, cancel plans frequently.
Imagine all the mistakes you could and would make as a parent.
Poop often.
i'm so inspired